Yep I’m naughty and I skipped a couple of days but in all honesty last week was one of the hardest weeks in my life and not because I was in pain but because I let my mental state get the better of me.
I don’t know where I would be right now if it wasn’t for Julie. You can tell from the email I was going to send above that I was pretty sure that my bowels were never going to start again. I had an impending feeling of dread when I thought about it and pretty soon my every waking moment was spent urging my tummy to work, which of course is putting undue stress onto my body and probably making the possibility of it working even less.
I spoke to the ward sister on Wednesday morning stating that I wasn’t in a good place mentally and that this truly wasn’t like me at all. I never let this happen, my whole life I have been optimistic and positive but somewhere in my gut it seemed it was telling me things were not going to be ok.
The psychologist was coming to see everyone on Wednesday, so Julie had told me not to hold back when talking to her. I think Julie was hoping maybe it would help ease my mind as she has been dealing with the brunt of my anxiety and nerves. She does her very best to explain that everything is ok and I hear her and try my best to believe but for some reason it just doesn’t sink into my head so for the past 3 nights I have had 6 hours sleep in total. The rest of the night is spent worrying, sitting on the toilet and pacing my room.
The nurses are aware but can’t say anything to help me and I tell them I’m fine, the only person who has some incline to whats going on inside my head is Julie and it must be so frustrating for her.
Anyway I spoke to the psychiatrist who was excellent, she explained that because I had been through a huge op I was going through trauma and having traumatic episodes. I explained that when I went blue earlier this year and the docs got extremely worried and everyone else around me I knew in my heart I was going to be ok but that this time I had a very bad feeling that things were not going to be ok. She explained that any negative thoughts would be exploded ten to one hundred times within these confines.
It was actually great to tell her exactly what was running through my head, without worrying about upsetting her like it would Julie (I know she acted angry and frustrated with me when I said it out loud but I don’t doubt for a minute it upset her too).
She did a final assessment on me using a sheet and it turns out I scored severe anxiety, I will be starting some anxiety pills which although I feel I should be strong enough not to use I could use the extra assistance at the moment. I know once this tummy situation has sorted itself out I will be much more at ease but until then a nice sleep would be grand.
The rest of our Wednesday was spent laughing and joking and I was feeling one hundred percent better than I had the night before.
K x
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