I dont truly know where to begin, after having my rejection I got pneumonia in March, I was treated in Monklands and wished thy would send me to Gartnavel. But they didn't and my time there was rubbish!!
But I got over the pneumonia and I did the 10k with my two sisters and my wonderful friends Linzi and Fiona. My girl never left my side the whole 6 miles and the end line was emotional to say the least. My crying face and my story was in the papers the nest day which was a great result for bringing awareness. Mum and the girls made amazing banners and dad painted a great sign.
On the sunday night we had a disney princess party for Nicola, she had had such a rough time of it as of late and I wanted to make it special for her so I decked the place out in some pink, got the chocolate fountain up and running and asked everyone to bring sweets and juice. OMG we had so much to eat, we were all n sugar rushes well into the monday. We watched the little mermaid whilst I sat beside Nicola and sang away whilst she laughed and encouraged me.
I gave her a big hug bye bye as we wore our matching robes.
She text me at 2am~(I never got this till the morning) to say what a wonderful time she had had and she felt so lucky to have such people in her life.
Monday came and I worked on my graded unit, getting Susan a friend of a friend done. Tuesday came and I worked on Ge transforming her into a bubblegum beauty.
Wednesday morning came and i left at 5,30am to get to newcastle for my bronch. Would love to say bronch went well but I awoke half way through, totally traumatised and hit out at the poor staff. HAHA!!
I stayed over on ward and met the doc the next day where I apologised. He said it happens though he did state they "gave me a heck of a lot of sedation". I'm just not the sedated type of girl now with these new lungs!
Got home on the thursday afternoon and was about to go buy some stuff for my photoshoot with sara on the friday when I realised I hadn't heard back from Nicola. I phoned her dad and left a message and then thought I woould phone the ward as this really wasn't like her.
From the moment the sister picked up the phone and started speaking I was in no way aware of how drastically my life was about to change.
Nicola was dying, she was leaving us and I wasn't there. Sister said it was best I left her family with her at the moment and in my grief ridden state I agreed. I entered my house again having heard this news whilst sitting in my car and tried to tell dougie the news.
I wasn't just upset I was sooo sooo angry, my feet pounding off the ground was the only way I could convey my anger. I know now what it is like to sob, sob so much that you feel your heart may just burst out, like you feel collapsing in a heap may help to deal with it.
I called my mum and dougie drove me over to mum and dads. Mum said I had to phone peter and ask to go see her even if it meant standing outside the door. Mum phoned and Peter and Marion said I should be there.
Dougie drove me up and I tried so hard to be strong, I didn't want to cry in her presence.
The next day/night was long, I went home about 12am and drove back at 1am. When I first arrived at about 5 Nicola looked up at me and gave me a huge smile. Her brother and kerri were also there.
I'm not going to go into details but I did get to say everything I wanted to, to my best friend. My last words to her were, dont hang on honey, everyone knows you love them, whe your mum and dad and bro come back in you let go. And she did . . . . I had went home for an hour and got a call to say she had passed away.
There are a lot of issues ~I am not happy about surrounding nicola's death but I will not air these on a blog. She knows what they are. . .. . . . .
So life continues, me i have been given the greatest gift ever and my best friend has gone, no longer able to share this experience with me. I miss her greatly, I cry often but generally when noone but Doug is around, and often on my own. I want to speak to her and share my life with her. I want to take her out more, even if it is in a wheelie me and her were two.
And so to the next day - I had already signed myself up to do a speech at night for the CF trust at a ball called the apple ball. I went to see my aunt Sadie and had to go for a sleep on her bed for the whole visit. I got home and got ready for the ball.
The ball was a great night, I tried not to think too much of nicola but I did ask for her strength when it was my time to stand infront of approx 500 people and speak.
I ended my speech with a word on my best friend, and got everyone to toast for her and for Jessica(whom a video had been shoown of her prior to my speech) and to the thousands of others who have lost their fight against CF.
Cut t the next morning and our taxi arrived at 7.30am, DOugie and I were herded through to a college in Edinburgh where I was to take part in the BIG QUESTION. One of todays debates was should organ donation be an opt out system. I'm told now that I did really well, I'm sure I could have said more but I'm happy with what I was able to convey and at the end of the day its more about seeing a person and putting a real face to organ donation.
We arrived home and I went out to Nicolas mum and dads to discuss funeral arrangements. I was so honoured to be asked to sit in the family car and also I was going to be given a rope when it came to lowering her into the ground.
Monday came and I felt unwell, I was feeling sick and unable to eat. I've never lost someone Iloved so much, I didn't know if this was part of grief, so I left it. Tuesday was the same but wednesday came and I was being sick with everything I ate.
My mum took me to the hospital who said I was severly dehydrated and after an xray said I also had another pneumonia. Two weeks in hospital ensued and I wasn't able to go to nicolas funeral.
Maybe it was a blessing, maybe I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Thankfully kerri gave my speech, she read y words out beautifully and I thank her for that. They lowered Nicola into the ground whilst they played our song "for good" by the cast of wicked.
I finally got out of hospital and started to get on with life, I even had a trip down to London and Brighton which was awesome. Then bam I got the chicken pox, in all honesty I had asked the skies above to give me a diversion, I was finding it hard to deal with the loss of Nicola- but chicken pox!!
Back in Gartnavel as the poxies can be rather grim for someone immunosupressed, I only spent a weekend in and it seemed they were going so thats me about up to date.
I'm visiting the hospital today, my cough which arised from the poxies hasn't shifted and Mcgregor my doc warned me that I had to go up for absolutely anything for the next wee while so we make sure I dont get the poxies again.
I'm hoping to drop in some magazines for Tasha- a girl who also as CF andf who was nicolas gartnavel sidekick. She no longer has her blonde headed buddie to speak to so she needs some readiing material :)
Kirsty xx
